Working Through It

Been working through a LOT of shit lately and thought maybe I’d write an entry about it, since thats what this blog is for, rather than typing it up a segment at a time in bipolar intervals on my facebook.  I’m working through a lot of personal issues and haven’t really felt like talking to anyone much about it because I’m sick of bringing people down w/my mood/news of my life (sorry its such a downer guys, you think I LIKE that things are going the way they are? we’re doing everything we can to work through it)…so here’s a list of some of the stuff i’m gonna cover- abandonment/rejection issues, PTSD, getting my SSI, home life & my personal relationship issues of the moment (maybe)…

Abandonment/Rejection-

As many of you who read/have read this blog in the past know, I have some serious SERIOUS abandonment issues and some serious issues w/being rejected (especially any time I let my guard down around a group of unfamiliar people…hmmm, do you think that perhaps just maybe thats part of why i don’t get out much? …heavy sarcasm there).  I’ve been trying to deal w/the fact that things like senility run in both sides of my partner’s lines and that both of them already have a hard time remembering things…I’ve had alzheimers stricken relatives, its hard and scary…I’m just scared to be left the ONE person of the house who remembers, anything really…I can see myself taking care of them later in life and trying to help them remember things, how painful that is.  It makes me feel selfish but there is a significant part of me that hopes i die before that point (selfish i know, to wish my absence on them rather than to want to see them through) but I don’t know if I can cope w/my loves looking at me and asking ‘who are you?’ or just plain not remembering me…after everything we’ve been through…its worse than rejection on an active basis than really anything i can think of.

PTSD-

my rotten family is trying to hunt me down again and i’ve hardly left my house in more than a week because i’m terrified of some spy guy tracking me down and stealing me away back to eastern oregon…its a horrifying refresher of what i went through back when we were persecuting my biological father for what he did to me, and he had swore he’d kill me if i said anything, and he got out of police custody and i had to have basically body guards around me at all times for a period of about 2 or more weeks (i dont remember) because a psychopath who happened to be my blood father was trying to stalk and MURDER ME (yeah, that does WONDERS for your psyche as a fucking 6-8yr old…it took two years to finish the prosecution process start to finish)…its too much like that and i am not coping well with it, i’m just doing my best to distract myself by keeping busy (which is a terrible way to deal w/this sort of stress but at least stuff is getting made i guess…and i’m aching head to toe because of it, but i’ll live).

Fibro/Arthritis & My Personal life-

My fibro/arthritis has been giving me utter hell and making me very cranky…also between this and the stress level and the three of us always being in the same place together ALL the time, i’m not feeling very sexy, which makes me bad because it comes across like i’m with holding sex for some reason which i’m not, i’m just not feeling very turned on etc and thusly i can’t get busy, because i feel uncomfortable.  and i feel like the situation is my fault because i don’t like talking about why i’m not up to having sex unless its just pain problems, its also partially some of my personal hangups regarding sex etc so yeah, i’m just not feeling very horny/sexy and its making everyone ELSE in the household tense as hell, which is frustrating.

SSI-

working on getting my SSI, hoping it goes through this time, i can’t afford to see my shrink, i can’t afford my med refills, i can’t afford anything because i’ve made NO SALES ALL MONTH…i don’t know WHY the hell not, i had some great new listings this month, but NOTHING, so i’ve made all of jack and shit all month long thusly contributing nothing to the EMPTY fucking household coffers which makes me feel utterly useless…on top of that i’ve been SICK all month long (i swear we’re just passing the friggin same bug back & forth for the whole month).  Got my papers for my SSI nearly all filled out, just waiting for my work history to get here, hopefully i get everything and can get it sorted, it would save my fucking ass like nothing else, but i’m sure they’ll contest AGAIN.

Job hunt-

Blaine has been on the job hunt which is super stressful and sadly pretty fruitless, though he does have an interview later today *fingers crossed* here’s hoping…i just hate seeing him have to go through this BS all over again, we just spent the whole last year doing this…*sigh* 2013 was supposed to be different…hopefully it will get better soon

other stuff-

been trying to be the always there boyfriend for my girl but its been hard, especially w/her uncle having passed & her family gearing up to use the wake for said uncle as a jumping off point to rake my poor sweety over the coals, which she DOES NOT NEED…and, i want to be there for her, but i don’t think i could go to the wake even if blaine came w/me because i’m terrified of her relatives, they’re some frightening & religious & whacko nutters and frankly i’m kinda just a WEEE bit terrified of the religious and their propensity for um…becoming violent at the slightest provocation, and beating people like me to a pulp because they just don’t like me so yeah…but if i send blaine it will raise tons of questions etc and it wont look right, if we both go i think it will make matters worse, and frankly i’m of the opinion she should mourn her uncle privately and not risk her fragile emotional state being shattered & becoming suicidal because her family is a bunch of psychos.  Its hard to have to cut ties w/ones family but if your family is just one big ass PTSD hot trigger button painted BRIGHT fucking red…then maybe we should just avoid that trigger ?

its not easy, we grow up in a world where were told you stand by your family no matter what, don’t diss the team you’re on & all that bullshit, but…when you have PTSD and your family is one of the BIGGEST ROOT CAUSES (like it was in my case as well) then it comes time to consider your personal emotional, psychological and life needs into consideration rather than what they’ll think  or how they’ll feel if you take control of your own life.  another part of living w/PTSD is learning to sort through the things in your life into piles and finding out whats on the ‘hot button list’ and just stay away from all that, hard as it can be and limiting as it may seem…theres still PLENTY to experience that wont trigger you, ENJOY THOSE THINGS TO THE FULLEST! 🙂

I keep wanting to do these things as vlogs but i don’t have the hard drive space to store it all and i really don’t want y’all watching me cry (i’m not ashamed, i just DO NOT NEED a bunch of random trolls out there on the web who might come across the vlog videos to come & ridicule the crying bearded guy, i have been harassed about my psych problems long enough, i don’t need the stigma and i don’t need the junk mail)…i’ll get back to vloging eventually, i will, because it the ONLY performance outlet i’ve got left.

Also…to top it all off…i’m turning 28 next tuesday and i know my birthday is going to be the same as always- empty & pointless, which the closer i get to it the angrier i am, i wish i could just teliport to this time next week rather than sitting through this…its nobodies fault that we’re chronically screwed when we’re all three trying as hard as we can to make it, but its just frustrating because i’ve never really done anything for my birthday as an adult & the few times i did, it wasn’t enjoyable, so i generally don’t bother…such is life i guess

Finally a lil good news-

In a TINY stroke of luck and a tiny bit of good news, i was featured the other day on the front page of fandom base for my awesome Ice King & Marceline quilted scarf, check me out 🙂 so that was good at least…

i’m gonna go try & get some stuff done if i can buck up enough…i’ve been trying chronically to cheer up my companions but i get left in a gloom of cheerlessness, i do what i can…

i’ll be back eventually, thanks for reading, and if you can, stop by fandom & show me some love (link above)