Status report, time to bring y’all up to speed, if only a little bit.

i apologize i haven’t written in many many months, toward the end of March, just before my birthday when i wrote my last post, things in my poly relationship hit the skids MAJOR big time, things ended horribly (still don’t have closure, waiting for the ex to come pick up her stuff, wish we could just be rid of it already)…long story short, it was traumatic for everyone involved, it was a bad idea from the beginning and it left us all w/a nice BIG ass mistake to learn from in the future. lesson learned…

finances have been hell, i’ve been working practically non stop since early August, trying to make the ends meet, busting my ass producing costume replicas (most of the reviews i get back are positive, but no one is perfect, and the few negative results i get back are always fairly cutting and hurt me rather badly…thankfully they have all vented directly to me rather than polluting my review page w/scurrilous bs because most of them messed up their measurements, this is why i always tell people have a friend do them, do them twice and double check the accuracy), making candy and working on expanding my craft into various areas.  most of my customers are awesome people i hope to work with again in the future, some of them i wish i’d never had the misfortune of dealing with…but thats retail for you.  Upsetting as it is when i mess up on an order, or am late or whatever, i just worked the math and over the course of the year we’ve managed to only accrue only about $500 in business losses, hoping it stays that way *fingers crossed*.

i have been having a great deal of trouble coping w/some deep emotional problems these past few months…i’ve been thinking about my dad a lot for one, hoping he’s well, wishing i could be in touch w/him and knowing its not a possibility does hurt and i feel bad for hurting him when i had to cut ties w/everyone else, but needs must when you must move forward to preserve your own sanity and thusly here we are.  I have been watching star trek (voyager at the moment, sharing it w/my partner is an enjoyable bonding experience, he grew up w/out tv) and it helps remind me of him a bit.

one of the biggest problems i’m dealing with is the fact that i’ve been so busy trying to keep on top of my deadlines i haven’t had time to properly grieve some rather deep wounds…aside from the break up this spring/early summer, this september a friend (whom i had not seen in many years) committed suicide and i didn’t find out for a few weeks after the fact…it wasn’t a close personal friend of mine, a shared acquaintance by rather dear friend to a friend i was close to (and my inability to be there for my friend when this happened really made me feel awful), the friend who died was someone who used to come to the plaid (convenience store) where i worked ea evening to pick up a bottle of wine to take home & share w/my buddy who was his roommate (he & my friend were very close, my buddy is gay & ended up hitting on him once, our friend wasn’t gay but was flattered & they hit it off to the point where they basically became my buddy’s hetero life mate, much like jay & silent bob, only more intelligent lol)…it was still so heart breaking to find out about.  then a few weeks later, a fella i did know well, a bartender at the club i used to work/perform at died suddenly, ending a lengthy battle w/liver cancer (i hadn’t even known about him being sick because i’ve been out of the scene so long between this and that)…i haven’t had an opportunity to properly grieve either of them and thats been a stumbling block w/my attention span etc.

add to that my recent hospital visit due to a resurgence of my own intestinal issues (nothing major, just gotta change the diet a bit etc, i’ll be fine) which incurred a bill of $1683 (to take a blood sample and then poke me and tell me ‘yup, just a repeat of old problem, here is an Rx for meds to take, if it doesn’t go away schedule a check up w/the specialist’, fuck you providence medical, seriously, fuck you) and my partner still being unemployed (and his benefit extension ended this week, which we didn’t find out about until the day it was supposed to renew/deposit into the account) and we only have a one month long extension left, after the end of december, if he hasn’t found work, we’re in very big trouble.

now adding to all that… i find that a good, dead and very important friend in my life, has come down w/the prestages of cancer, and may be slowly wasting away before my eyes, and i can’t talk about it w/really anyone and i can’t stand this because they have something very similar to what killed my grandmother (whom i spent my entire childhood watching waste away of emphysema…by the time i was old enough to have memories she was frequently on oxygen, by the time i was 10 she had hose up her nose 24hrs a day and a permanent oxygen instillation…don’t step on grandma’s life line was something we had to tell new people in the house)…hearing them speak the other day w/that rasp brought back so many painful memories and has me so scared & worried i can’t stand it…and theres just nothing i can do to help, i am utterly helpless (what else is new) and that hurts even more.

i have no idea what i’m going to do about the few refunds i have to do due to lateness/etc, i have no idea what i’m gonna do about my medical costs, i have no idea wtf we’re going to do about any of this and i just had to vent to the void because i know a lot of my friends are sick of hearing my doom & gloom, i feel like the world is ending, fucking hell we’re screwed, etc 😦 if i had a therapist i’d not burden them w/it, but they’re all i have.

 

here is a visual update as well, heres how we’re looking now-

IMG_7244

sad…

just, depressed…i’ve been out of school for 10yrs, never gone to college or even taken a college course, i may technically own/run my own business, but don’t no one take me seriously despite my dedication to it.  and, i NEVER have ANY DAMN $$ on my birthday…i am ALWAYS broke…and i don’t generally have a problem with it but, it’d be nice to have $$ on my birthday for ONCE in my adult life…

to top off my depression, i have not made a SINGLE SALE ALL MONTH…i’m going to be closing my march month of 2013 having made $0 and no cents…

we currently don’t have rent money, we don’t have any money at all…on top of that i’m in a lot of physical pain because of my fibro/arthritis problems AND i’m nearly out of anxiety meds (w/no hope of a refill because i can’t afford to see my shrink, or any damn shrink, the only options for people in my lack of income bracket are WAY the fuck out in the suburbs where it just ain’t safe for someone like me and the inner city docs just dont seem to get this fact…i can’t go to a doc in the burbs, NOT HAPPENING, i can barely make it to my docs down town and i’m FAMILIAR with the area)…

things people don’t understand, top of the list- AGROAPHOBIA…this means you can’t leave your comfort zone…not that you wont, that you CAN’T…if i DO i will have a fucking freak out/panic attack/break down and i COULD end up hurting someone, myself included, and don’t no one need that (least of all me).  I can barely get to the places with in my comfort zone w/my family out there trying to hunt me down like a bunch of mother fucking stalkers which i do NOT appreciate (who would?)…

PTSD- it has MANY TRIGGERS…the triggers for an individual’s PTSD vary greatly depending on the root cause(s)…as someone w/PTSD it can mean that you have to completely take inventory of your whole life, your likes & stuff you used to enjoy, and pick out the triggers and AVOID THEM…much as it sucks…i can’t watch HALF the movies i used to, even the ones i still like, many of them just hit the WRONG button…

DEMOPHOBIA- fear of crowds…now i know this seems a LIL counter intuitive, having moved to the city and all, but it didn’t used to be as bad as it is these days, I don’t cope well w/being closed in on all sides by strangers (which covers basically any outing you could go on in the city)…this gets hard…i can usually deal with it ok but a lot of the time groups of more than about four people and i start to get nervous…this is why i CAN NOT work outside the home, because eventually i’ll end up buggin and flip out on someone.

I just feel like my life is going no where, I’m at a stand still, my business is going no where, and I feel like I’m just not going anywhere and its getting old.  I’m just friggin tired.

Been working through a LOT of shit lately and thought maybe I’d write an entry about it, since thats what this blog is for, rather than typing it up a segment at a time in bipolar intervals on my facebook.  I’m working through a lot of personal issues and haven’t really felt like talking to anyone much about it because I’m sick of bringing people down w/my mood/news of my life (sorry its such a downer guys, you think I LIKE that things are going the way they are? we’re doing everything we can to work through it)…so here’s a list of some of the stuff i’m gonna cover- abandonment/rejection issues, PTSD, getting my SSI, home life & my personal relationship issues of the moment (maybe)…

Abandonment/Rejection-

As many of you who read/have read this blog in the past know, I have some serious SERIOUS abandonment issues and some serious issues w/being rejected (especially any time I let my guard down around a group of unfamiliar people…hmmm, do you think that perhaps just maybe thats part of why i don’t get out much? …heavy sarcasm there).  I’ve been trying to deal w/the fact that things like senility run in both sides of my partner’s lines and that both of them already have a hard time remembering things…I’ve had alzheimers stricken relatives, its hard and scary…I’m just scared to be left the ONE person of the house who remembers, anything really…I can see myself taking care of them later in life and trying to help them remember things, how painful that is.  It makes me feel selfish but there is a significant part of me that hopes i die before that point (selfish i know, to wish my absence on them rather than to want to see them through) but I don’t know if I can cope w/my loves looking at me and asking ‘who are you?’ or just plain not remembering me…after everything we’ve been through…its worse than rejection on an active basis than really anything i can think of.

PTSD-

my rotten family is trying to hunt me down again and i’ve hardly left my house in more than a week because i’m terrified of some spy guy tracking me down and stealing me away back to eastern oregon…its a horrifying refresher of what i went through back when we were persecuting my biological father for what he did to me, and he had swore he’d kill me if i said anything, and he got out of police custody and i had to have basically body guards around me at all times for a period of about 2 or more weeks (i dont remember) because a psychopath who happened to be my blood father was trying to stalk and MURDER ME (yeah, that does WONDERS for your psyche as a fucking 6-8yr old…it took two years to finish the prosecution process start to finish)…its too much like that and i am not coping well with it, i’m just doing my best to distract myself by keeping busy (which is a terrible way to deal w/this sort of stress but at least stuff is getting made i guess…and i’m aching head to toe because of it, but i’ll live).

Fibro/Arthritis & My Personal life-

My fibro/arthritis has been giving me utter hell and making me very cranky…also between this and the stress level and the three of us always being in the same place together ALL the time, i’m not feeling very sexy, which makes me bad because it comes across like i’m with holding sex for some reason which i’m not, i’m just not feeling very turned on etc and thusly i can’t get busy, because i feel uncomfortable.  and i feel like the situation is my fault because i don’t like talking about why i’m not up to having sex unless its just pain problems, its also partially some of my personal hangups regarding sex etc so yeah, i’m just not feeling very horny/sexy and its making everyone ELSE in the household tense as hell, which is frustrating.

SSI-

working on getting my SSI, hoping it goes through this time, i can’t afford to see my shrink, i can’t afford my med refills, i can’t afford anything because i’ve made NO SALES ALL MONTH…i don’t know WHY the hell not, i had some great new listings this month, but NOTHING, so i’ve made all of jack and shit all month long thusly contributing nothing to the EMPTY fucking household coffers which makes me feel utterly useless…on top of that i’ve been SICK all month long (i swear we’re just passing the friggin same bug back & forth for the whole month).  Got my papers for my SSI nearly all filled out, just waiting for my work history to get here, hopefully i get everything and can get it sorted, it would save my fucking ass like nothing else, but i’m sure they’ll contest AGAIN.

Job hunt-

Blaine has been on the job hunt which is super stressful and sadly pretty fruitless, though he does have an interview later today *fingers crossed* here’s hoping…i just hate seeing him have to go through this BS all over again, we just spent the whole last year doing this…*sigh* 2013 was supposed to be different…hopefully it will get better soon

other stuff-

been trying to be the always there boyfriend for my girl but its been hard, especially w/her uncle having passed & her family gearing up to use the wake for said uncle as a jumping off point to rake my poor sweety over the coals, which she DOES NOT NEED…and, i want to be there for her, but i don’t think i could go to the wake even if blaine came w/me because i’m terrified of her relatives, they’re some frightening & religious & whacko nutters and frankly i’m kinda just a WEEE bit terrified of the religious and their propensity for um…becoming violent at the slightest provocation, and beating people like me to a pulp because they just don’t like me so yeah…but if i send blaine it will raise tons of questions etc and it wont look right, if we both go i think it will make matters worse, and frankly i’m of the opinion she should mourn her uncle privately and not risk her fragile emotional state being shattered & becoming suicidal because her family is a bunch of psychos.  Its hard to have to cut ties w/ones family but if your family is just one big ass PTSD hot trigger button painted BRIGHT fucking red…then maybe we should just avoid that trigger ?

its not easy, we grow up in a world where were told you stand by your family no matter what, don’t diss the team you’re on & all that bullshit, but…when you have PTSD and your family is one of the BIGGEST ROOT CAUSES (like it was in my case as well) then it comes time to consider your personal emotional, psychological and life needs into consideration rather than what they’ll think  or how they’ll feel if you take control of your own life.  another part of living w/PTSD is learning to sort through the things in your life into piles and finding out whats on the ‘hot button list’ and just stay away from all that, hard as it can be and limiting as it may seem…theres still PLENTY to experience that wont trigger you, ENJOY THOSE THINGS TO THE FULLEST! 🙂

I keep wanting to do these things as vlogs but i don’t have the hard drive space to store it all and i really don’t want y’all watching me cry (i’m not ashamed, i just DO NOT NEED a bunch of random trolls out there on the web who might come across the vlog videos to come & ridicule the crying bearded guy, i have been harassed about my psych problems long enough, i don’t need the stigma and i don’t need the junk mail)…i’ll get back to vloging eventually, i will, because it the ONLY performance outlet i’ve got left.

Also…to top it all off…i’m turning 28 next tuesday and i know my birthday is going to be the same as always- empty & pointless, which the closer i get to it the angrier i am, i wish i could just teliport to this time next week rather than sitting through this…its nobodies fault that we’re chronically screwed when we’re all three trying as hard as we can to make it, but its just frustrating because i’ve never really done anything for my birthday as an adult & the few times i did, it wasn’t enjoyable, so i generally don’t bother…such is life i guess

Finally a lil good news-

In a TINY stroke of luck and a tiny bit of good news, i was featured the other day on the front page of fandom base for my awesome Ice King & Marceline quilted scarf, check me out 🙂 IMG_5129so that was good at least…

i’m gonna go try & get some stuff done if i can buck up enough…i’ve been trying chronically to cheer up my companions but i get left in a gloom of cheerlessness, i do what i can…

i’ll be back eventually, thanks for reading, and if you can, stop by fandom & show me some love (link above)

there is a lot about this world that tends to piss me right off, but here are a few things I am just sick unto death of having to deal with…and not just having to deal with them, but having to deal with them EVERY DAMN DAY…so here we go…

1- is kind of a tie, christians and the christian appologists who support their right to be entitled to ‘their opinions’, when its not in fact opinions but dogma that they feel entitled to SPREAD all over the place, like monkeys showering the world in anti-intillectual bullshit. More than anything christian appoligists, i’m sick of you trying to claim ‘oh its not how the religion really works, theres just a few select assholes here & there that give ALL of us a bad name’. FUCK YOU! you’re wrong, you’re full of shit, and you’re actively evil in the sense that your cults collective actions damage society on a daily basis (most hate crimes are committed by people who profess to be of a christian faith streak…but you dismiss that saying ‘ah, but you see they weren’t TRUE christians like US’…). In short, you’re wrong, you’re full of it, do the world a favor and stop appologizing for the people who seemingly do nothing but destroy the world while claiming they’re doing good.

i was going to type a longer list but really thats the BIG MAJOR one that gets me every damn day…
I can NOT see to get through a single day in this country w/out having to be either preached and/or prosolitized to on some level by some dick munch who hasn’t even read his damn holy book, some dickweed appologizing for said claiming ‘oh they’re just doing what they FEEL is right’ (sorry randomly accosting strangers on the street is NOT a proper thing to do in a civilized, well mannered society, which the US is NOT), of their worthless religion and its fucking influence on every fucking aspect of life because their domminionist asses INSIST that the world is theirs by right of their precious imaginiary bearded friend who lives in the clouds. it gets old.
i’d like to be able to spend time talking, thinking about and debating topics other than religion/religions and their absolute inability to keep their mitts to their damn selves and stay the fuck out of the lives of people who aren’t involved w/your DAMN cult of the invisible sky wizard.

its honestly enough to make one start tearing their hair out.

well…times are hard again…a week ago now Blaine was let go from his job for totally bogus reasons and we’re back to unemployment & foodstamps and job hunting and all that fun jazz, and the nonstop depression that comes with it (for poor blaine & everyone else in the house because no one likes seeing ea. other sad).  I’ve been taking care of both my partners all the last week, running myself kinda ragged in the process and feeling a tad overlooked (its not easy having two relationships…hell having one isn’t easy, relationships are a lot of work, worth it, but a lot of work)…but i don’t want either of them to feel worse than they already do so i’ve been mostly keeping it to myself and just trying to shrug it off as standard depression.  I just don’t know how to address the issue.

i failed on one of my commissions due to developing an allergy to faux fur that makes me break out all over in hives (also gets very difficult to breath when i work with it so i’m not anymore) i just feel bad because i’ve failed, i’ll get over it.  more friends moving away, i’ll get over it.  i hurt everywhere, i’ll get over it.

been having a love hate relationship with my work of late, i love my sewing etc but its been increasingly hard to be enthusiastic about my work w/everything else thats always going on…deadlines get pushed back & pushed back in order to deal w/prominent & important emotional issues etc but then when the time comes to where i HAVE to get it done or it wont get done at all, i feel like i’m having to shun the people who need me to get the job done.

i’m so tired all the time, i’ve been taking in WAY too much caffeine and probably too much tylenol and not enough good food but i do what i can, i am however somewhat worried about my health, been under the weather for a bit now, been kinda shakey the last couple of days (i think i’ve got the flu thats going around, the symptoms match up)…

i just feel like i’m always the comforter but when it comes time to deal w/my problems i’m kinda on my own i feel a lot of the times (this is often because people dont’ know HOW to help…and often because theres not a lot to be done)…i just feel…i dunno, overlooked or something, and it makes me sad.  i just feel sad & helpless of late…and my face hurts really bad.

i’ve also been having nightmares.  even with my meds.  i had one this morning (yesterday i guess actually) but i came out to find blaine and diva uncoscious on the chairs, clawed up looking like they’d been fuckign GNAWED BY RATS, i call ambulances that come but they’re dead and it doesn’t matter, i’ve failed the ultimate failure, i couldn’t save them, not even from themselves…and all day i’ve just had to SIT on this, w/it freaking me out in the back of my mind (to the point where i nearly screamed at diva to stop scratching because it was bringing up the images)…i woke up screaming, nearly got sick, no one heard me (maybe the screaming was in my head and i was just flailing around muttering/whining in reality)…i haven’t been able to talk to either of them about it in detail (i feel sick right now just thinking about it long enough to type)…i’m upset…

wtf would happen to me if i lost either of them? especially to suicide…i fear it would break me, i don’t know if there is anything that could repair me after such a loss…especially if it happened here, its not like i have the option to move or be elsewhere, how would i cope w/being home or even being? i honestly don’t know but its a constant stress on the back of my mind.

Hey everyone, just gonna do a brief post w/a little bit of shameless self promotion here…

Looking for a special Valentine gift?  got a birthday coming up? need lingerie, cosplay or a wedding dress & accessories? fine art prints or other home decor? Stop by the shop to check out the new stock (we’re adding new items all the time, a couple each week usually), including all new fine art canvas prints by our new shop partner Diva Lesé, her watercolors are phenomenal.  Give a wonderful, unique gift or just get a little something for yourself and help an independent artisan of the Pacific Northwest make his ends meet up 🙂

thank you for listening, we now return you to your normally programed blog! Cheers!

i had a rather bad episode yesterday (sunday the 3rd) and i apparently typed this up on my cell phone (i try to write things out when i’m upset, it usually helps speed the coming down process along)…anyway, this is apparently what i wrote:

I don’t need anybodies pitty…I’m tired of people feeling sorry for me all the time, it does nothing for my self esteem.  I want to be free of this feeling like I’m constantly fighting with myself and always angry…but I can’t take the meds that the docs are always pushing because then I feel nothing at all, doctors, most just want to pick my pocket while also robbing me of emotions and my soul. 
I want to be left alone,  but I don’t…I want people to care and they do and I want them to worry if something is up but I’m tired of being this just constant burden of worry on peoples minds, because eventually they become exhausted & just start ignoring me…which I swear is what a part of me wants, maybe so I’ll feel justified in my anger…
I like to loose myself in helping other but when I do I forget about me but then I don’t worry because I don’t feel like I matter which is upsetting…I want people to depend on me because its seems to be the only way I feel needed but then sometimes I get angry because I get tired of being the doctor but never being the patient…but when I want people to pay attention to me I feel like I’m selfish…I feel that way a lot anyway though…
I need to be needed but I hate being depended upon because then I think…what’s gonna happen when I’m gone? Its part of what anchors me here..but I also need to live for me because if I can’t live for me tghen how can I be free? How can I be free? But if I live for me I’m selfish…
It looks like all those years of church really rubbed off on me…as I monk I woould be dedicated to giving myself to some gods work etc…being the instrument, servile and meek, and not thinking of my own needs because I’m not supposed to have needs because I don’t matter, only the work matters…the religion and the worker drone training is so thoroughly engrained that its a part of me and any time I try to let it go…to change & be new because I could rewrite who I am I feel like I’m just changing into a new costume with a new mask and playing a new make believe painted with a new brush, its a rush to be some one new for a night once in a while ut all the tikme ands just a new lie, a new farce, a new joke and ime the punch line…and no matter how many masks i peel back I don’t ever really feel like I’m being me because I’ve always been a cir@us poodle jumping through hoops and I just don’t know if I can stop ‘being perfect’ because when ever I shatter that illusion it just seems to hurt people…
I’m so good at pretending I even pretend at home, I don’t have to but whenever I stop I feel like I’m evil and undisciplined, I know that’s justt due to all my baggage but its just so much and then I feel like I’m making excuses which feels like all I ever do…then I decide to make changes but all the while my brain is sayiing ‘stop faking, sure you. Feel like you’re changing but you know it’ll never stick…the longer you pretend the more disappointed everyone will be when the boottom does fall out, best to just give up now and save yourself the humilliation & hurt feelings’…but sometimes I can pretend for a long time, and even when I can though I still know eventually it’ll all come tumbling down again…
I honestly don’t know if its better to be missed or forgotten…sometimes I think the later might just be better…I was never here, I was just a pigment of your oh so colorful imagination…fade away…fade away…