Status report, time to bring y’all up to speed, if only a little bit.
i apologize i haven’t written in many many months, toward the end of March, just before my birthday when i wrote my last post, things in my poly relationship hit the skids MAJOR big time, things ended horribly (still don’t have closure, waiting for the ex to come pick up her stuff, wish we could just be rid of it already)…long story short, it was traumatic for everyone involved, it was a bad idea from the beginning and it left us all w/a nice BIG ass mistake to learn from in the future. lesson learned…
finances have been hell, i’ve been working practically non stop since early August, trying to make the ends meet, busting my ass producing costume replicas (most of the reviews i get back are positive, but no one is perfect, and the few negative results i get back are always fairly cutting and hurt me rather badly…thankfully they have all vented directly to me rather than polluting my review page w/scurrilous bs because most of them messed up their measurements, this is why i always tell people have a friend do them, do them twice and double check the accuracy), making candy and working on expanding my craft into various areas. most of my customers are awesome people i hope to work with again in the future, some of them i wish i’d never had the misfortune of dealing with…but thats retail for you. Upsetting as it is when i mess up on an order, or am late or whatever, i just worked the math and over the course of the year we’ve managed to only accrue only about $500 in business losses, hoping it stays that way *fingers crossed*.
i have been having a great deal of trouble coping w/some deep emotional problems these past few months…i’ve been thinking about my dad a lot for one, hoping he’s well, wishing i could be in touch w/him and knowing its not a possibility does hurt and i feel bad for hurting him when i had to cut ties w/everyone else, but needs must when you must move forward to preserve your own sanity and thusly here we are. I have been watching star trek (voyager at the moment, sharing it w/my partner is an enjoyable bonding experience, he grew up w/out tv) and it helps remind me of him a bit.
one of the biggest problems i’m dealing with is the fact that i’ve been so busy trying to keep on top of my deadlines i haven’t had time to properly grieve some rather deep wounds…aside from the break up this spring/early summer, this september a friend (whom i had not seen in many years) committed suicide and i didn’t find out for a few weeks after the fact…it wasn’t a close personal friend of mine, a shared acquaintance by rather dear friend to a friend i was close to (and my inability to be there for my friend when this happened really made me feel awful), the friend who died was someone who used to come to the plaid (convenience store) where i worked ea evening to pick up a bottle of wine to take home & share w/my buddy who was his roommate (he & my friend were very close, my buddy is gay & ended up hitting on him once, our friend wasn’t gay but was flattered & they hit it off to the point where they basically became my buddy’s hetero life mate, much like jay & silent bob, only more intelligent lol)…it was still so heart breaking to find out about. then a few weeks later, a fella i did know well, a bartender at the club i used to work/perform at died suddenly, ending a lengthy battle w/liver cancer (i hadn’t even known about him being sick because i’ve been out of the scene so long between this and that)…i haven’t had an opportunity to properly grieve either of them and thats been a stumbling block w/my attention span etc.
add to that my recent hospital visit due to a resurgence of my own intestinal issues (nothing major, just gotta change the diet a bit etc, i’ll be fine) which incurred a bill of $1683 (to take a blood sample and then poke me and tell me ‘yup, just a repeat of old problem, here is an Rx for meds to take, if it doesn’t go away schedule a check up w/the specialist’, fuck you providence medical, seriously, fuck you) and my partner still being unemployed (and his benefit extension ended this week, which we didn’t find out about until the day it was supposed to renew/deposit into the account) and we only have a one month long extension left, after the end of december, if he hasn’t found work, we’re in very big trouble.
now adding to all that… i find that a good, dead and very important friend in my life, has come down w/the prestages of cancer, and may be slowly wasting away before my eyes, and i can’t talk about it w/really anyone and i can’t stand this because they have something very similar to what killed my grandmother (whom i spent my entire childhood watching waste away of emphysema…by the time i was old enough to have memories she was frequently on oxygen, by the time i was 10 she had hose up her nose 24hrs a day and a permanent oxygen instillation…don’t step on grandma’s life line was something we had to tell new people in the house)…hearing them speak the other day w/that rasp brought back so many painful memories and has me so scared & worried i can’t stand it…and theres just nothing i can do to help, i am utterly helpless (what else is new) and that hurts even more.
i have no idea what i’m going to do about the few refunds i have to do due to lateness/etc, i have no idea what i’m gonna do about my medical costs, i have no idea wtf we’re going to do about any of this and i just had to vent to the void because i know a lot of my friends are sick of hearing my doom & gloom, i feel like the world is ending, fucking hell we’re screwed, etc 😦 if i had a therapist i’d not burden them w/it, but they’re all i have.
here is a visual update as well, heres how we’re looking now-